Adios, 2 thousand fucking 16

2016 was a memorable year for me because it was a series of non-stop arguments, misunderstandings, self-doubt, numerous disappointments, and losses. Looking back from the start of the year, I remember how I hoped for a better year, new chances and new opportunities, but I should have expected the unexpected because what happened is the opposite of what I anticipated for.


I experienced upsetting circumstances and thoughts so dreadful that I almost didn't recognize myself, and what makes it more unpleasant is that I'm fully aware of my cognition. Physical and emotional pain were my friend, and depression was my best friend.

I still remember some good memories, but what really stayed were the appalling events; I almost became homeless because my own bloodline (I prefer not to mention his/her specific role in my life) tried to kick me out in my own home several times; Relatives not trusting me enough that I can handle a business on my own because they're already judging my lifestyle, belittling me of my capabilities; Wanting to change my religion because I feel like my religion is lying to us and I no longer feel comfortable knowing I belong to this creed or culture; Someone tried to ruin my relationship by telling me that my boyfriend was engaged in an affair with our neighbor and had a one night stand; Countless almost breakups with my boyfriend because of the past memories that I cannot move on from; Knowing that I won't be able to graduate with my batchmates and feeling like I disappointed myself and those people assuming that I'll graduate this year (2017); Circumstances that made me want to end my life because I thought suicide was the only answer to all my problems...

In spite of all distressing episodes in my life, I still had some good times, of course, it's impossible to never have them especially if a year goes by; I may officially lose a friend but I gain someone whom I can entrust my whole self, and figure out we have the same situation regarding our curriculums; I gambled my savings to a business I started which turned out to be a success for another source of income; My dad not giving up on me despite all the disappointing acts I've done, his willingness to help me forget my problems here at home, and most especially still gives me guidance when I can't take all these bullshit happening to me anymore...

I'd like to think 2016 was a year of my maturity, it's the year I faced a lot of challenges I thought I can't handle. It tested who I think I really was, I was pushed to my limits that I thought I no longer have patience and a lot of time spent on crying through the pain and thinking it will never end.

A lot of things can happen in a year, and what happened to me was a hybrid of positive and negative, but mostly downbeat. The surprising thing is, I made it through the year. I can say I'm no longer expecting for a better year or hoping for the best, but I'm not saying I'm already a defeatist. Good and bad days await. If I were to give myself an advice to "2017 me" from "2016 me", it is to always be prepared for what lies ahead.